Welcome to Thinking About Getting Into: a newsletter about interesting people with interests. As I detailed in my previous post, this newsletter is now an interview series in which I talk to people about their hobbies, passions, and the fulfilling, non-work-related things they do in their spare time.
First up, we have Stacey Chia—a self-proclaimed “full-time hype woman” who handles PR for the New York City-based fashion designer Tanya Taylor by day and runs a social club called The Breakfast Club on the side.
In 2015, Stacey moved to New York from Singapore to study fashion marketing at Parsons. That meant leaving her friends back home, setting down roots in a city where she hardly knew anyone, and embarking on an exciting new path in PR after having a successful career as a journalist. The most daunting part of her big move, she says, was starting over as an intern at 27. What didn’t intimidate her: The prospect of making new friends.
Stacey, after all, is naturally outgoing—she can easily talk to anyone, and she loves connecting with new people, so much so that she launched The Breakfast Club in April. It’s a friendship-focused community that does get-togethers in NYC; so far, they’ve done a cocktail-making class, an early morning meditation session, and more, bringing together old and new friends in a welcoming environment.
Stacey loves hosting and bringing people together, and she’s always open to making new friends. We talked about how, exactly, she approaches strangers, the ways she maintains her friendships, and what advice she has for people who want to make new friends, but don’t quite know where to start.
I know that when you moved to New York eight years ago, you didn’t really know anyone here. How’d you make friends?
I had to start from scratch. One of the first things I did was become a member of The Wing—I desperately tried to get in and eventually got accepted. At the start, it was such a wonderful place to make friends. I didn’t need a coworking space at all—I was honestly paying way too much money just to go to events, but every single event was such a great way to meet new people and grow friendships.
I also DMed people who lived in New York—I still do that a lot! I think it’s so natural to me because that’s what I do for work. When I see someone who’s working on a project that’s really cool, I’ll message them. It’s my nature—I’ve always been very outgoing.
So how’d you start Breakfast Club?
I’d always go to networking events, but those events aren’t really about friendships. They’re about careers. So they can lead to professional relationships, but those aren’t necessarily people you’re going to call for drinks or chat with about the things you’re going through.
At the back of my mind, I’d always had this idea about hosting breakfasts. I love the ritual of getting coffee and croissants. I told a few of my friends, “Hey, I want to make new friends. Why don't you each bring two other people that I don't know, so that we can all meet new people?” It ended up being 10 people in that first gathering. At our second gathering, we had double that amount. You don’t have to pay anything to get in. My whole goal with Breakfast Club is to host events in a very easy way.
I love that, and I think there’s such an appetite for that—people want to make new friends, but we don’t really have that many third spaces for that purpose, and a lot of them, of course, have barriers to entry. I also think it’s hard for me, personally, to take someone who’s an acquaintance or someone I meet at an event or someone I’ve followed on Instagram and become real friends with them. So what do you think has helped you to deepen those relationships?
What I’ve really noticed is that the moment you start talking about professions—like, “What do you do for work?”—it immediately sends the relationship into a work zone. At The Wing, for instance, I really leaned into my identity: “I’m not from New York, I’m not even American. I’m from Singapore and if anyone’s interested in learning more, I can tell you about my journey here, or what Singapore is like.” I also talked about my past life as a journalist, but I really tried to find elements of myself that weren’t about work. I’d open up about the struggles of coming to New York at 27 and starting over as an intern. I think because I was open and genuine and vulnerable, people saw that and connected.
I always tell people, look, you’re going to end up talking about your career anyway, so let’s not focus on that right now. Let’s focus on the things that drive you and motivate you and bring you joy.
I will say, what I did struggle with when I first moved here, is that it’s sometimes hard to get people—not everyone, but some people—to talk to you when they feel like they can’t get anything out of you. Unfortunately, we also live in a world where people do get taken advantage of. I understand why people are guarded, so I approach friendship in a generous way. Generosity is something I really pride myself on—and if the other person doesn’t end up reciprocating, that’s okay. I feel good being generous. It’s served me well so far.
One of the things we do at Breakfast Club is ask people to keep three questions in mind when they’re having conversations. 1. What gets you excited to wake up in the morning? 2. What are some of the challenges you’re facing now in life? 3. What’s something you can offer, whether it’s a service or expertise? One of the things that’s helped me to make friends is being able to offer something—that way, people don’t feel like you’re trying to get something out of them.
How do you respond to that last question? What do you offer?
That’s when I might bring up my job—I work in PR, and I was a journalist, so if you need help with writing, I’m happy to be there. I also love hanging around with children and animals. I’ve watched one of my friend’s cats, but no one’s taken me up on babysitting services yet. I’m not even going to charge! I know how difficult it is to get a babysitter because I have mom friends. So if anyone wants me to watch their kids…I’m happy to do it. Everyone has something they can offer, and it’s such a nice feeling to be able to give something.
How do you approach people, both online and in-person? And once you’re talking, how do you get the conversation to a point where you’re more vulnerable?
It usually starts with a compliment. I saw their work, or they’re wearing something I think is cool. I have no problem reaching out to people and telling them that I really love what they’re doing and that I’d love to get a coffee if they’re willing to tell me more.
I think it’s really about being yourself and not trying too hard to make a business pitch—just having a conversion. People have responded, and I think sincerity has helped with that. Sometimes nobody responds—that happens a lot, too! But everyone loves a compliment.
How do you handle those moments, when someone doesn’t respond or when it feels like someone’s putting a wall up in front of them?
I don’t take it to heart. I don’t even think too much about it. I do know that some people don’t even see their DMs because they don’t go into that folder. Sometimes, it’s been funny, because I’d run into the person on the streets of New York—people are everywhere! I’d say hi, and “I actually sent you a DM!” I’m not shy, and I’m not afraid to let people know that I reached out to them. If I don’t get a response from someone, I don’t think badly of them—I just give them the benefit of the doubt.
Have you always been like this, even growing up? Being so open to people?
Yeah, I think that’s how I came to work in PR, and that’s also why I was in journalism. The things I covered as a news reporter weren’t always pleasant—I spoke with people who had dealt with traumatic experiences. I think that helped me to develop a lot of empathy when communicating with people.
So, journalism helped me hone those communication skills that I think everybody needs. My friends are always shocked that I remember the most bizarre things they’ve told me about themselves. I might talk a lot, but I really listen! And that’s so, so important.
I feel the same way about journalism. I was a pretty quiet and shy kid, so I was more of a writer than a talker. I think when I first went into journalism, I didn’t even really think about the interviewing part of things until I was at internships where I had to cold call people. Now, that’s so natural to me, but it was really scary, especially when I was 18 and 19 thinking, “Oh my god, is this person going to want to talk to me?” I thought I was an introvert for the longest time, but more recently, I’ve realized that’s not true.
I do get a lot of confidence and energy from being around people, which is the classic definition of an extrovert. But I also have moments where I really desire being alone—I love reading and sometimes I want to sit at home and watch Succession. You definitely need a balance.
I also get so much joy from seeing other people connect. I call myself a full-time hype woman. With Breakfast Club, I really want to build a space where people can connect and support each other.
I love that you’re always making new friends—you never got to a point where you said, “Okay, I have my friend group, I’m set.” What do those new connections do for you?
One of the things I really wanted to do was become friends with people who are not just in my industry. I wanted to know what other people are doing in their lives. I think continuously making new friends is how you really enrich your soul. It’s the way I’m able to learn a little bit about everything—it just makes you a fuller person.
It’s often said that it’s much harder to make friends as an adult. What do you think about that?
I think it’s about being intentional. A lot of friendships happen pretty organically and serendipitously, but there’s also some effort that needs to go into making friends and keeping up with them, and being there for them.
You have to want to truly want to be a friend to someone—that comes back to that question, “What can you offer?” You can’t just be the friend who takes. You have to be the friend who gives as well. It’s really just about saying, “I'm going to be there for you, I'm going to be there for the old friends that I have, and I'm also going to be there for the new people that I'm going to meet.”
How do you maintain friendships? How do you check in on your friends, especially those back home in Singapore?
I have multiple WhatsApp groups. So many, in fact, people are always like, “Why are you always on your phone at 10 o’clock?” I’m like, “Because my friends in Singapore are awake now.” I’m really on my phone at all hours of the day. I check in on people even if there’s nothing going on, just to say, “Hey, thought of you.”
I tend to be pretty spontaneous as well. I just booked tickets to see The Boogeyman tomorrow at Alamo Drafthouse, and I told everyone, “Hey, I’m going to this tomorrow. Anyone want to come?” I think there’s beauty in the spontaneity of it. I’m like, “Let’s do it right now,” versus “Let’s do it on June 24,” because sometimes, things might not happen.
Sometimes you just have to act on it.
Yeah, totally.
What advice would you give to people who want to start making new friends?
Be vulnerable and be sincere. It really has to come from a good place. You’re not doing this because the person is an influencer and they’ll take you to things, or because a person works at a place you want to work. It’s more, “You’re cool, I’m cool—let’s hang out.” You have to genuinely care and want to get to know the person. ▲
What I’m thinking about getting into:
Yearning. Yesterday, I watched Past Lives and cried pretty much throughout the movie—both a great movie to see alone and a terrible movie to see alone. I love unrequited romance as a genre (think: The Umbrellas of Cherbourg and In the Mood for Love), so I went home and watched Brief Encounter so I could continue to feel my feelings. If you have any similar recs in this vein…let me know.
Buying less, but better, stuff. Maybe it’s because I’m on the precipice of my Saturn Return (which the internet tells me will officially start next March), but I have been feeling like I’m in a season of change. One of the side effects of that is suddenly I no longer like much of my wardrobe—but instead of immediately spending too much money on a ton of new, trendy things, I’m sitting back and thinking about what I really want and envisioning a smaller wardrobe full of nicer things. I do feel like I’ve struggled with overconsumption over the years—which The Cut recently pointed out, is, in fact, a coping mechanism! Now, I’m trying out a Rent the Runway subscription to fill the void while I take a long and hard look at what I really want.
Generative A.I. Okay, I downloaded the ChatGPT app a few weeks ago and I will admit that I love asking it questions. So far, I’ve asked for a lot of movie and book recommendations. I will say that ChatGPT doesn’t have particularly discerning taste, but I am curious how it will develop. I did also write a story for Inc. about ChatGPT and retail, which was fun to report.
Saying yes to things. I told Stacey that our conversation was rather serendipitous because I’m in a big trying-to-meet-new-people era. So…let’s be friends!
What are you thinking about getting into? Have any comments? Concerns? Thoughts on who I should interview next? Email me thinkingaboutgettinginto@gmail.com!